New Winslow S8E42
Noah was out in the yard. If Olivia were to ask, he’d probably tell her he was working on something. But the tools were abandoned in the grass by his shed and he was sitting silently on the bottom steps of the staircase up to his apartment. Bracing herself for whatever was about to come her way, she stepped out into the humid early afternoon heat to join him.
She’d left Noah alone for most of the morning. She’d seen him for a minute when Cleo left, but he’d barely said anything and wouldn’t look her in the eye when he did answer her questions. She’d let it go, but she really did need to talk to him now, as the sun was high in the sky.
“Noah?”
He looked up as she approached, then looked somewhere past her. “Hey, Liv.”
“Hey. Can I sit?”
“Yeah.”
More than she’d expected. He shifted over so that she could sit next to him on the step and she did, then waited for the right thing to say or do to come to her. “Want some lunch?” she asked.
Maybe not the best, but it was as good as it was going to get. Noah was silent for a second, then shook his head. “I’m good, thanks.”
She wanted to argue, to force him, to offer soup or bread or toast or anything at all in the world. Whatever would fix this, she’d make it for him. Pancakes, he liked pancakes. Pancakes would make everything better, right?
“I’ll make pancakes tonight.”
“I’m not hungry.”
She was pushing him away again. So instead of getting up and making pancakes right now, she took a breath and just stayed where she was. This was terrifying. One wrong move and he was going to pull away again, she could feel it. Hell, one right move. Or maybe no move at all.
“I’m sorry.”
She reached over and took his hand after he spoke, but Noah flinched and stood up. “I’m going to… I’m gonna…”
She waited for him to finish his thought, but he just shook his head. “We’re gonna finish this,” he said. “But I don’t… I mean, I can’t have you all…”
And she realized she didn’t need him to finish. You have to let me go. It was so obvious, they’d had these conversations enough times that she could see exactly where this was going to go. “I’m not going to quit when we’re so close,” he continued, as though he’d finished sharing his previous thought. “But Liv, I can’t do this to Andrew. I’m gonna… maybe he’s upstairs. I’m going to go talk to him. He needs better than me, so I’m going to end this now before I fuck it up even more.”
He went to move past her to go upstairs to his apartment, but she stood up to block him. “No, don’t.”
“Liv, I mean it.”
“So do I,” she snapped. “So sit the hell down before you go up there and break both of your hearts.”
Stunned, he stopped trying to get around her. Olivia stayed where she was and took his hand again, pulling him back down to sit beside her. “I’m too broken for this,” Noah said, even as he let her. “I need to get him out, but I can’t wreck his life.”
“You aren’t broken,” Olivia said, though she was waiting for him to get mad at her for that. “You’re recovering. And Andrew knows that.”
“He doesn’t deserve to deal with that.”
“And neither do you.”
“But I’m the one doing it,” Noah snapped. “And that’s not any of your problem. So I’m going to fix things, then I’m going to leave you all the hell alone. Jude too.”
“Yeah, because that’s exactly what Jude wants,” Olivia retorted. “Noah, Andrew chose you. He knows you.”
“He chose me when I was sober.”
The past tense hurt, but she did her best to just push past it. “He didn’t choose this,” Noah continued. “He didn’t sign up for any of this.”
“Give him more credit than that,” Olivia said, hoping desperately that Andrew wasn’t home to hear them. “He saw you before. Noah, he saw you at your fucking worst. And he loves you.”
“But he shouldn’t.”
“Well…”
She held out her hands in a mock-exasperated shrug and he almost laughed. Then his smile faded. “Liv, I failed.”
“It’s a relapse,” she said, putting a gentle hand on his back. “They happen.”
“My dad was there. He was so close and I couldn’t see him. And I broke. Again.”
“How long were you sober after you got home?”
“From-”
“From rehab, I mean.”
“Only eight months.”
“How long before that?”
He blinked hard. “Three days,” he admitted. “After I left Keegan’s. You were so mad and I wanted to make it right. And I just couldn’t.”
She hadn’t known that and the knowledge nearly knocked her off track. “Eight months is a lot longer than three days.”
“But not enough.”
“So? It’s a process. Follow your own damn advice for once.”
This time he did laugh and some of the tension surrounding them eased. Then he stood up again. “I’m going to go upstairs.”
“Please don’t-”
“He’s not home. I forgot, he’s still working.”
Several different types of relief came over her. “I won’t do it,” Noah said. “Not yet. But he deserves better than me and my shit. You all do.”
He kissed her on the cheek, then turned and went up the stairs, leaving Olivia alone in the backyard.
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