The first thing Noah noticed was the silence in his mind as he woke up. There were no lingering storms behind his eyes, not like there usually were. The second thing he noticed was that he had no idea where he was.

This wasn’t the first time Noah had woken up in an unfamiliar place. But he wasn’t sleeping over Jude’s house anymore, so it wasn’t his condo. And he hadn’t been drinking. The last thing he remembered was… oh fuck.

He scrambled to his feet, the glow of Iris’s fireplace flickering warmly beside him as he nearly fell off the couch in his hurry. He hadn’t told any of the others that he was going to be here and he needed to work tonight. Charlie was going to be looking for him. Shit, what time was it?

“If you’re worried about work, I already called Charlie. I tried to wake you up a few times, but it wasn’t happening.”

He looked over to see Iris sitting in a nearby chair, a messy half-knitted scarf hanging off her lap as she held the needles still. “Um, thanks,” Noah said, his voice raspy. “Shit, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

“I know.”

“I should go,” he said. “I didn’t tell any of the others I was here and-”

“Noah.”

He froze, then turned slowly to see Andrew standing in the kitchen doorway. Andrew looked angry, but there was too much compassion under it for Noah to stand. 

“Mate…” Andrew started, then just shook his head.

“I need to get to work,” Noah said. “I’m sorry, both of you. I’m going to-”

“I called Charlie already,” Iris repeated. “It’s nearly nine.”

He was only supposed to be on until nine. That meant he’d just slept for nearly four hours on Iris’s couch after she’d tried to help him. And just like the other night, he felt trapped again, trying not to panic as he stood here helplessly.

“I pulled out the book I used to learn lucid dreaming about fifteen years ago,” Iris said, and he realized she was now holding an old, worn paperback book.

She handed it to him. “Um, thanks,” he said, looking down at the heavily creased cover.

He looked at Andrew, who was just standing in the doorway still. “Andrew, I swear, we didn’t-”

“I know,” Andrew said, sounding tired. “I know that, Noah. Iris told me everything.”

Everything. Including the Nyquil comment. Maybe Andrew didn’t know the ingredients of Nyquil? But Noah could tell he wasn’t going to get that lucky.

“Hang onto that,” Iris said, motioning toward the book in Noah’s hand. “If Billy isn’t going to talk to me, then you should try to talk to him yourself.”

Billy wasn’t… Noah must have looked blank, because she nodded.

“Do you remember what you were dreaming about?” she asked.

“Not really. Wait, did you talk to him?”

Despite everything else happening right now, it might be worth it if she’d been able to make contact. But judging by Iris’s face, it was a little more complicated than that.

“Good news and bad news?” she said. “I did, kind of. But all he would say is “only him.” He’s not going to talk to me, he wants to talk to you. And I’m not fully convinced he can effectively talk through you. He just repeated himself and got frustrated.”

So that meant that Billy was only going to talk to Noah. That was fine, he’d figure out this whole lucid dreaming thing tonight and talk to the kid himself. And then they’d figure out the rest. Someone else could actually be the vessel, he didn’t need to be the hero. If he could reach the kid and then Billy could talk to his buddy through a pro, then Noah would be happy as long as it happened soon and got Andrew out.

He’d been awake about five minutes and already his brain was too crowded to think clearly. “Okay,” Noah said. “Okay, yeah, I’ll try this tonight. Maybe it’ll work, I’ve definitely known I was dreaming in a dream before, so that part’s not new? And um, thank you. For, um, talking. And for letting me sleep here, I know that’s weird and I didn’t mean to and I’m sorry. Oh, and the soup, it was good soup! And the um, um…”

He was flailing. “Let’s head back,” Andrew said. “Thanks, Iris.”

Andrew didn’t seem mad at Iris, that was a good sign. Noah didn’t want to mess things up there. But as he followed Andrew down the stairs and out of the shop, Andrew looked pretty pissed at him. He moved slowly, but steadily as they walked out the door, letting it lock behind them.

“Andrew-”

Andrew held up a hand. “Stop,” he said. “I get it, Noah. But mate, this is getting out of hand.”

Noah was silent as he followed Andrew to his and Olivia’s car, getting in on the passenger side as Andrew buckled his own seatbelt and turned the car on. The radio was off and the only sounds were just the rain hitting the windows as Andrew pulled smoothly onto the road and toward home.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to drive?” Noah asked, about three minutes after it would have been more practical and polite to do so.

“I’m fine.”

“I’ll call Charlie and apologize,” Noah said. “Shit, I should have woken up, I missed work entirely. I can’t-”

“Noah, is this your way of killing yourself?”

He was already fumbling for his phone when Andrew spoke. The words were so quiet, but perfectly clear over the rain and they reverberated in his ears as he took them in. “What?”

“I’ve told you so many times that I don’t want you to risk your own health to get me out of here,” Andrew said, his voice still so undeservedly gentle as he pulled off the main drag and onto a dark, wooded road toward home. “Is that the point? Is this… are you considering hurting yourself? Intentionally?”

“What, no. No, I-” How could he possibly answer that? 

Andrew pulled the car over, less than a block from the turn home, and put it in park. There were no streetlights up here, just the headlights and the green glow of the silent radio setting Andrew’s profile in stark contrast to the darkness. “I’m scared,” he said. 

Noah was tempted to get out of the car and avoid all of this. But he couldn’t deny that his behavior lately had been strange at best and concerning at far more likely. Andrew still wasn’t looking at him and Noah wanted him to turn, even if it was to yell and tell Noah he was done dealing with this shit.

“You never told me you were on suicide watch,” Andrew said, and that realization that he’d told the others and not Andrew was worse than a hit.

“It’s none of my business,” Andrew continued, still looking ahead into the trees, “But I’m not stupid, Noah. I can connect that to the fact that you spent two extra weeks in rehab at the last minute, weeks after you told me that the only reason you weren’t going to kill yourself was because of the mortgage.”

“I was drunk!” Noah argued. “I was being a shithead, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“You didn’t need to,” Andrew said, though Noah could tell it hurt. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. You said to let you go the other night. I don’t know how to take that.”

“I’m fine,” Noah insisted desperately. “Take it as me being an asshole, that’s all. I swear, I just need to get us through this and I’ll sleep for three days straight, alright? I’ll do whatever you want me to. We’ll get you out and we’ll go away somewhere. I don’t know, Hampton Beach or something. Okay?”

Andrew was silent for a moment. Then he brought a hand to his forehead. Was he crying? A jolt of panic went through Noah, but then he realized the shaking shoulders was Andrew laughing.

“Hampton Beach?” Andrew repeated. “That’s your idea of running away somewhere special when this is all over? Hampton fucking Beach?”

He turned and cupped Noah’s jaw, the gentleness in contrast to the way he still shook with laughter. Then Andrew leaned in and kissed him, just a light brush against his mouth before pulling away.

“I love you,” he said.

It wasn’t the first time he’d said it and Noah had vague memories of drunkenly saying it to Andrew when he’d relapsed back in June. Still, the words made his breath catch. But Andrew didn’t seem to be looking for a response right now. Instead, he just ran his hand over the patchy stubble on Noah’s cheek.

“Please, just remember that,” he said. 

Noah nodded in the dark, his throat too dry to say anything back. He pulled Andrew’s hand to his mouth to kiss his fingers before releasing it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Noah said “I didn’t plan to tell anyone.”

Andrew nodded as he pulled back and put the car into drive, finally driving them home as the rain came down.

“Also, Liv is ready to skin you,” Andrew added before they pulled into the driveway.

Noah hadn’t expected anything less, but he was still dreading it.

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CONTINUE TO EPISODE 21

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